Cashless Scandinavians eliminate petty crime

but not really.

Denmark has approximately 13% of transactions conducted by cash, with their neighbours Sweden clocking in even lower. The Swedes only house one ATM machine per 100,000 population. While this may have had devastating effects for buskers, charity workers, youngsters, farmers, and smaller communities which do not have the infrastructure in place, petty crime has plummeted as a result of the shift. 

“We are seeing very little thefts of $100 here or $50 there being reported these days”, boasted Denmarks chief of Police - Rollo Veryuserfs. 

“Of course, the cashless system allowed the government to hide billions of new dollars printed, which effectively stole 30% of middle and lower class savings, but we prefer to look at the positive aspects which won’t get us suicided.” Mr Veryuserfs said.

On a completely unrelated note, larger thefts of life savings and increases to credit card fraud easily dwarf the gains made by shifting away from cash. The ministry of finance remains baffled as to the cause, or potential solutions.

In further completely unrelated news, the decline of anonymous spending via cash has been perfectly correlated with a decline in privacy, free speech, small business ownership and community trade.

Klaus Krab, Author of ‘Digital currency as a tool of tyranny’ is baffled as to what is causing these trends, but hopes a “further shift toward a cashless system will provide solutions.”